The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Drs Julie and John Gottman predicted what kills marriages and they were right.

Have you ever felt like your marriage or romantic partnership was

experiencing its own end-of-times apocalypse? Or maybe a slow

disconnection that festers for years like a dormant plague? Drs John and Julie

Gottman, renowned Marriage and Family therapists, coined the term The four

Horsemen of the apocalypse to describe distinct patterns of relating that

predict the end of a relationship. When I work with couples, discussing the 4

horsemen helps each individual see where they contribute to the collapse of

connection.

The 1st Horseman, Criticism:

This is a very common “losing strategy” in relationships.

Sometimes criticism sounds very harsh and goes for the proverbial jugular.

“You’re a loser” “Why can’t you do anything right?” Criticism can sound like

cursing at the partner, pointing out negative qualities and can qualify as

verbal abuse. However, criticism can also take the form of consistent subtle

jabs. This can sound like, “I was so pleasantly surprised you mowed the lawn

because you usually are too lazy to mow.” Ouch! It’s like a sharp javelin

coated in sugary sweetness. It still hurts when it lands.

The 2nd Horseman, Contempt:

Contempt can be part of criticism and yet also show up in other

ways. Contempt is a way of treating a partner with general disrespect and

distain. It comes from repressed anger and frustration (often from things

outside the marriage) and can be evident in patterns of disrespect, sarcasm,

mockery or superiority. Contempt is considered the worst of the 4 horsemen

because it is an attack on someone’s sense of self. Contempt destroys the

psychological safety of the relationship. Therapy with a licensed professional

trained in couples therapy can provide a safe environment to discuss patterns

of contempt.

The 3rd Horseman, Defensiveness:

Defensiveness is the attempt to protect oneself from a

perceived attack. The key word is perceived. Defensiveness is a protective

reaction for the nervous system in order to achieve psychological safety. It is

impulsive. It out-reacts the thinking brain. Defensiveness comes from the

emotional brain which forms a sensation well before the thinking brain has

time to think through the exchange. If contempt is the most destructive of all

the horsemen, defensiveness could be the hardest to change because it is so

impulsive in nature. Yet through therapy there is hope that defensiveness can

change to curious compassion.

The 4th Horseman, Stonewalling:

Imagine a large stone wall. You are on one side and your

partner is on the other. You are trying to get a message to them but there is a

large barrier preventing the connection. This is stonewalling and therapist

Terry Real, LICSW talks about how a person can be sitting next to us on the

couch and yet be one hundred miles away if they are stonewalling.

Stonewalling is an evasive avoidance of the topic that makes the person

uncomfortable. It is a defensive strategy against flooding of emotions but

sends the message to the partner that they don’t matter. Folks who use this

strategy can benefit from learning responsible ways to take a break. Therapy

can help teach these methods and tools in order to replace unhelpful patterns

with healthy ones.

What Successful Couples Do Differently

Recognizing Early Warning Signs

• How awareness of the horsemen empowers prevention.

• Importance of open communication channels.

  
  

Building a Culture of Respect and Support

• Daily rituals of connection and positive interactions.

• Commitment to resolving conflicts as a team, not opponents.

The 4 Horsemen are invitations into deeper awareness...

In the end, the “Four Horsemen” aren’t just predictors of relationship breakdown, they are invitations into deeper awareness. By recognizing patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as they arise, couples have the opportunity to pause, reflect, and choose a different path. Relationships don’t unravel overnight; they shift slowly through repeated interactions. The hopeful truth is that these patterns can also be unlearned through intention, accountability, and compassionate communication. With the support of therapy, self-awareness, and a willingness to soften toward one another, couples can replace disconnection with curiosity, rebuild emotional safety, and cultivate a partnership rooted in respect, understanding, and genuine care.

Contributed by Meg Clawson, LPC

Meg Clawson is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in supporting children through mindfulness-based play therapy and sand tray work, thoughtfully tailoring her approach to meet each child’s unique needs. She also works with adults using talk therapy informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS), Experiential Therapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

In addition, Meg provides Alcohol and Drug Interventions for loved ones or business partners navigating active addiction, offering guidance during some of life’s most challenging moments.

Meg serves as the Director of the Children’s Play Therapy Center and as a Clinical Supervisor, where she brings both deep compassion and strong leadership. She oversees programming to ensure a nurturing and therapeutic environment for children and families, while also providing clinical guidance and support to the therapy team. Passionate about creating spaces where children can express themselves freely and heal through play, Meg is dedicated to fostering growth, connection, and excellence in care. Through her work, families are supported in finding hope, healing, and meaningful transformation.